Your local TV snoozecast

You're watching Channel 13 Inaction News: Inane, insipid and irrelevant. Here are your co-anchors, Kent Coiffure and Becky Rhinoplasty.

KENT: Good evening. In just a moment, we'll bring you your first look at the weather. But first, some forced patter. How was your weekend, Becky?

BECKY: Great, thanks. How about yours?

KENT: Fantastic, Becky, thanks. I can only hope the weather will be so pleasant the rest of this week. Let's find out from Dan Doppler. Dan?

DAN: Thanks, Kent. My forecast from last night - partly sunny, partly cloudy - was right on. The temperature topped out at 64 degrees, just off my forecast high of 62 but well within my patented "8-degree guarantee." After checking the Super Storm Paranoia Cataclysmometer for tomorrow's forecast, I predict a 90 percent chance of weather.

KENT: You're always going out on a limb for us, Dan. Thanks. Next we'll bring you the harrowing story of a local man's escape from a fiery disaster. But first, in our "News You Can Lose" segment, Becky will share with us her first venture into the exciting world of archery!

BECKY: Archery is something most of us haven't tried since middle school phy ed. But I was inspired by the archers who competed in the Olympics, so I went to a local range to try my hand ...

JOE: Wait a minute! You have got to be kidding me. An ARCHERY feature!?!

KENT: We now welcome - unexpectedly, I might add - our investigative reporter Joe Gumshoe, who is storming the news desk like a Pamplona bull.

JOE: The news directors won't give me the air time or the budget to investigate the local companies that are sending jobs to Mexico. They won't even let me do a piece about who's donating money to our Senate candidates' campaigns. Yet they find time and money for a puff piece about archery?

BECKY: We had a focus group evaluate all of our story ideas, and it loved the archery feature. Your stories about corporate outsourcing and campaign fund-raising were about as welcomed as Michael Moore at the Republican National Convention. Viewers want happy news.

KENT: In that case, it looks like you're right "on target" with that archery piece, Becky. Heh heh.

BECKY: Thanks, Kent. Next we'll bring you the story of that area man's trial by fire. But first, our "Medical Misinformation Minute," during which Kent will detail his heroic battle against an ingrown toenail.

KENT: Thanks, Becky. Ingrown toenails occur when a nail's edge curls down and digs into the skin, causing pain. It's a pain not unlike watching local television newscasts lose market share until their ratings shrink to the size of Dick Cheney's heart. Battling this toenail problem was quite an ordeal, an ordeal not unlike watching our show degenerate into a collection of lowest-common-denominator features so lame even Regis and Kelly wouldn't air them.

BECKY: That was touching, Kent, and completely authentic.

KENT: Just as authentic as your surgically enhanced nose, Becky.

BECKY: Now we'll bring you the story we promised at the start of the show in an effort to hold your interest throughout this worthless newscast. It's a story you'll see only here on Channel 13! Unless, of course, you already flipped over to channels 9, 11 or 23. An area man was part of a stir at Disneyland today when a lighted cigarette butt set a trash receptacle ablaze. He smothered the fire with his size 8 1/2 Mickey Mouse Club hat and escaped unharmed.

KENT: A crisis, indeed, just like my ingrown toenail. Well, that's our show for tonight. If you'd like a copy of this newscast, call the number on your screen.

BECKY: But don't send any copies to the Federal Communications Commission. We wouldn't want them to see how we've violated the public trust by ignoring the important issues facing our community, opting instead to fill the airwaves with pointless trivia!

KENT: Another "bull's-eye," Becky! Heh heh. Good night.

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