What your man needs is a beer belly

Ladies, the holiday shopping season has begun in earnest, and it's time to find your man the perfect gift.

In the past you have bought him cologne, a tie depicting the logo of every NFL team, and even "The Outlaw Josey Wales" commemorative plate set. Now you're desperate for inspiration.

You have come to the right place, because I am an expert on shopping. Wait, no, I detest shopping. But I am an expert on what guys like: We like saving money. We like getting away with stuff. And a lot of us like beer.

Which is why, this Christmas, you should give your man a Beerbelly.

I know what you're thinking. (As everyone knows, guys are excellent at reading women's minds.) "My man already has a gut. The last thing he needs is a beer belly."

Not a beer belly. A Beerbelly.

The Beerbelly is a strap-on beverage holder that disguises itself as a bulging stomach. Wear it under a loose-fitting shirt, and you can smuggle 80 ounces into movies, ballgames and the weddings of distant relatives. Getting a beer gut has never been so easy - or so fun.

The Beerbelly's makers note that the $50 unit pays for itself in no time, when you consider that ballpark beers go for $6. (Talk about getting tapped out.)

Because stadiums don't allow fans to bring coolers inside - and because buying a round costs more than your first car - the time for this invention had come. It gives new meaning to the term "six-pack abs."

The Beerbelly isn't just for beer drinkers. Any drink will do, whether it's coffee, pop or a giant cocktail.

Of course, the device has its drawbacks. For starters, users have to be willing to drink from a crotch. The Beerbelly's makers recommend sneaking the dispensing spout out your fly, so as to avoid being spotted. This is not a job for the faint of heart. On the bright side, none of your buddies will ask for a drink once they see where it comes from.

Another drawback: Beerbelly users risk being caught and ejected from events, which is bad, unless you were hoping to get kicked out of your third cousin's fourth wedding. Fortunately, the device's makers offer helpful hints for outwitting suspicious ushers. Phrases that can get you out of trouble include:

1. "This is a medical device I'd prefer not to discuss or display in public."

2. "My wife is pregnant, and I'm developing empathy by wearing this."

3. "Want a beer?"

By now you may have thought of another potential drawback. Sure, you can drink for hours without leaving your seat, but remember, you don't buy beer: You rent it.

Fortunately, our great nation's inventors have already solved this problem. A Cincinnati Bengals fan created the Stadium Pal ($30) because he got tired of missing plays during bathroom breaks. Yeah, that guy is a real whiz. The question is, if he's so smart, why does he remain loyal to the woebegone Bengals? But that is another column entirely.

You might say the Stadium Pal, like the Beerbelly, is a beer storage device. It features a tube running down to a bag that attaches to the user's leg, ending in a collection bag. I know, I know ... ewwwww.

Are you like me? Are you wondering why the nation's brightest minds are obsessed with enabling laziness, rather than curing cancer? Or at the very least, figuring out how "Becker" ever got on the air?

Perhaps the brilliant minds that brought us the Beerbelly will take care of that once they're through with their current project, the Wine Rack. Like the Beerbelly, the Wine Rack is designed for beverage smuggling, only it's made for women to wear as a bra.

Fellas, now you know what to buy your lady next Christmas.

To obtain a copy of columnist Ben Bromley's Christmas list, send e-mail to bbromley@capitalnewspapers.com. He is a former Lillie Suburban Newspapers editor and now writes for the Baraboo News Republic.

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